pureliquidzen

My thoughts are wild fire...writing them makes me feel strong, helps me find reason, the only goddamn way to straighten them out!!

Is it that as a society we put far too much emphasis on physical devotion. It is like one time a long time ago the perfect two people fell desperately in love with each other. They connected perfectly in mind, body, and soul and every since people have been trying to mimic their luck without any success. They have made this rare occurrence a life time goal, to find the one true love and making the concept of physical devotion a society built constraint. With MUN as a playground for someone i thought i loved with all my heart, I realized just how much i needed to let go of the thought of true "virtuous" love. I realized that maybe a true love is not the person who just puts a smile on your face everyday. A true love pushes every button you have, tugs roughly on every single nerve and is just as human as you are. A true love makes mistakes too and can also deviate at a point of weakness, putting physical devotion in jeopardy. It doesn't always mean that this person does not love you or that you must have been horribly mistaken, by thinking this person loved you. I'm not trying to make cheating sound right or ok. It isn't and it hurts, i would know, but sometimes... it is a mistake. True happiness with someone isn't about having a flawless relationship. It is recognizing the values within a relationship and that sometimes all the good weighs out one big bad thing. Anyways, I just built a bridge. I'm over it.

I have a best friend who i feel i can completely count on ...besides for this person here is a list of my friends who i feel i can completely trust:







...

I cannot say that I find this beautiful.
I cannot say I find this stunning.
I cannot say this seems like art.
I cannot say it is of surpassing elegance.
I cannot say awe-inspiring.
I cannot say sublime.
I cannot say meticulous.
I cannot say outside-the-box.
I cannot say a fine intelligence.
I cannot say awe-inspiring...
I cannot say genius.
I cannot say punishment.

I'm too tired to write much tonight.

Sleep!
Free of Charge!
Luxury Item!
In Your Own Home!
In-flight Movies!
No Skills Needed!
Be Your Own Boss!
Better Than Sex!
No Calories!
Fat Free!!

...Loves

I'm really not stupid, you know. I don't need every part of my life dictated to me...
I think I know how to use cotton ball in my ear thank you very much.
I think I know how to boil water for 2 minutes and 40 seconds before making tea, thank you.
I think I know how to pull up the hand brake while simultaneously releasing the trunk and opening the fucking door with my chin, thank you very much.
I think I know how to dismantle the 9-year-old VCR to liberate the Dirty Dancing videotape thank-you-VERY-much.
I think I know how to Change a light bulb and plug in the electric heater or change a furnace filter, thank you MUCH obliged.
I think I know how to drain the boiler and top up after the automatic feed kicks in, thank you for your concern, no really.
I think I know how to joke with a code monkey, thank YOU!
I think i'm doing JUST FINE, but THANK YA!

(FUCK!)

Empathy
I have seen so many sorrows.
I have felt so much pain.
I have been so many places.
I have seen so many faces.
I have had so many relationships.
I have experienced so many fears.
I have done so much good.
I have done so much bad.
I have tried so many times.
I have won so many things.
I have lost so many loved ones.
I have been so in love.
I have so much knowledge now.
I have so much wisdom now.

... is it a gift?

So today when i was at work all was going well until i made eye contact with a certain someone and threw up over myself. Not really... but like always i thought i was finally over it until now...I thought seeing this person would be fine, but what a kick in the ass it turned out to be and it got me thinking.

What is it about loving someone that makes you hold on to them even after they are gone? After the relationship dies, it seems like you can let go for somethings, but you can never give it all up. There is always something that can create a spark amongst the ashes. Even though the relationship is dead...is the haunting of the ghost of past relationships inevitable? There are always questions of why and where we went wrong. Was the love you had for the person? Was it for the relationship? Or was it for our good friend "The Chase"? We are never quite sure what ghost is creeping around in our head when the fire is momentarily rekindled, but we know that it hurts. That the little fragments of our heart that was chipped away with the little relationships; The crack that more important person left; and the pieced laying in our soul of the shattered heart that we so freely gave to that one person we loved so much... are never quite fixed. No matter how much we move on and with whom it is always there, lurking, waiting to sneak up on you. Even when we know it is for the best, even when we know there was no other way, nothing else that could have been done, the question is there......WHAT IF? For some people it is easy to give up these ghosts... others are forever haunted. I guess it all depends on that size of the ghost and how many pieces of your shattered heart is it carrying. Maybe there are replacement pieces that you can get to rebuild your heart...stronger more stable pieces... and with time and effort... the capacity of your one true heart will grow... the ghost will try to fit the old pieces back in and it will hurt a little, but you have the new ones and after so much effort without succeeding ... the ghost will disappear and you will be able to smile once again...maybe not.

*haunted*

okay. So someone told me the other day that hot people are single because they are too picky. NOT ALWAYS TRUE!!! I am blaming the sad truth of the extremely attractor's singleness on "The Chase". This is really confusing to someone who isn't intertwined into my head, but i will try to get my point across as clearly as i can. So here goes...

Why is it that as soon as you see a person you think you cannot have... you want them?? It doesn't end there though. Once you find out that they are yours for the taking, why is it that you no longer want to see their face then? That initial spark, that was really 90% of what you were feeling for them, while the other 10% had to do with their looks is suddenly GONE! Is this just me? If it is you can stop reading now. For those as stupid as me keep going so we can find a solution together. Is it that maybe you don't really loose "feelings" or interest once "the chase" is gone, but the possibility of a relationship/commitment subconsciously steers you into another direction!? To look for a new Chase. HATES. I mean turning way is so easy then, and my whole analogy of this is simple. But, what happens when "the chase" stops because the chased makes it crystal clear that they are just not interested in you? OUCH, that sucks, but would you even care if they had responded differently? How do you know that this is not going to happen every single time you meet someone? And what happens when it comes down to two perfect people and you have to decide? Do you choose the one whom you had previously chased and got the positive response? The one who is the same person you wanted so badly before?? OR... Do you continue to chase the new person? Even if it means loosing the previously chased and maybe your heart if this new Chase responds negatively or turns you down. And what if the new "Chased" responds positively. Will you feel the same way? Or will you end up right back where you started?? Unsatisfied, and with someone new to chase. In such a case will you ever find "the one"?? How do you know that you haven't already but chased someone else? And when do you decide that you are chasing the chase and settle down with someone who wants you back? Or is that even an option? Could it be that there is a whole new category of people to love? That this "love" is for the chase alone, and the attraction to merely nothing. That this is one huge game we play with ourselves to amuse us while we compartmentalize our lives? But if that is all it is why is hurt so often involved? Maybe there is no logic or answers to this. Maybe it is a sickness... something psychological. Or maybe it is simply human nature... naw

*sigh*

I AM...

Sometimes... I cannot think straight without my pen to the paper. Sometimes, I cannot express it without a pencil in my hand. Sometimes i scream with my fingers on a keyboard. (A WRITER)

Sometimes, it is not beautiful without color. Sometimes my brush only paints...black. Sometimes, it is just an expression of me. (An ARTIST)

Sometimes, there is no rush like a run on a piano. Sometimes, in G sharp minor my heart breaks. Sometimes, my voice brings tears to my eyes. (A MUSICIAN)

Sometimes, I get goosebumps on stage. Sometimes, I have to be seen and heard. I love what i can do with people's hair. (A PERFORMER)

Sometimes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes, I cry for his kiss. Sometimes, I forget about me... as long as he is happy. Sometimes, I am surprised at my capacity. (A LOVE VESSEL)

Sometimes, I love to listen to the wind. Sometimes, music hath a far more pleasing sound. Sometimes, the world is in my hand. Sometimes... I am Liquid. (A FREE SPIRIT)

If you read the things that i write here then you have entered me. Now no one knows more about me than you do. But let me tell you this, even after you have read my mind and had a taste of what i believe, you still only know a fraction of soul, pieces of my veneer, and a minuscule of my heart.